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Love's Ever-Changing Face
by Curt Degenhart
Anyone who's ever had a brush with the thing called
love knows that this feeling so desired is also tough
to pin down. There are so many kinds. We've got lusty
love, companionate love, fraternal love, the kind of
love you have for your grandparents, thrilling love,
young love, self love, and love mixed in with a lot of
pain-and many more. How can we survive a relationship
with all these different forms of love floating
around? If you can't survive the change, you'd better
learn, since relationships are filled with love that's
ever-changing.
Love's Frontier
You start out a relationship with tons of passionate
love, with lots of lust mixed in. New love feels like
you're climbing a mountain-thrilling, with lots of new
territory to explore with every step. As the
relationship endures (if you're lucky enough to have
it endure) you'll begin to grow to know each other
more deeply. Then love deepens, too, broadening into a
'best-friend' and companion-style love. No doubt the
lusty, new love is still there, but starts to get
filled out by these other feelings.
It's when love starts to change form that some people
can't cope; they sense the shift as a loss of passion.
They sense a reduction in passion, which to them means
that something's wrong with the relationship. But it
doesn't have to be that way.
When you feel yourself moving over into the
companionate sort of love, just relax. It's not easy,
but try to let the relationship exist at its level. It
takes some getting used to but as you may soon find
you enjoy it, too. This phase I have affectionately
termed The Plains of Kansas.
On the Plains, you are
definitely no longer in the mountains of love/lust,
with all that unexplored, exciting territory, where
each step takes you around a new corner, over a new
rock. But The Plains of Kansas have their own charms
and benefits-you'll just have to look a litter harder
for what's interesting there, see a little farther.
You're in a place that seems to go on forever, with no
apparent markers or change in landscape. But if you
pay attention to the details, you'll find plenty to
keep you interested.
Dizzying Love
Of course, the thrill of falling in love has its ups
and downs two. As love swells up then changes in a
relationship, so does your sanity level-or so it
seems. On the first date, maybe you feel some of your
senses slipping away, "melting into her
eyes."
After a month you may think, "I don't
feel right when we're apart." But you never had
that problem before. And of course, it doesn't feel
like too serious a problem to have. It is part of the
thrill of love.
Let's face it. Partners complicate our lives. First,
we're driven nearly crazy with the heady rush to love.
Our friends will wonder what's happened to us. Then,
after a few more dates, a few more weeks, both men and
women wonder neurotically, often
desperately:"What if she doesn't like me as much
as I like her?"... "Am I being
used?"... "Is he going to pull away just
when I'm falling in love?"... "How much will
a breakup hurt me?" Not pleasant thoughts. But
we've all experienced them at least momentarily as we
embark down the road to coupledom.
Love can get even more complicated the longer you're
in it. For instance, lovers tend to know more than
anyone about our weaknesses and our strengths, our
dreams and our worries.
We allow them in and give them
Knowledge. It takes a while-at least a few months-for
this Knowledge to build up. But it will.
Be happy that Knowledge can be used for good, to build
us up and make us feel stronger, more secure, and
happier. But partners also use Knowledge against us,
leaving us feeling vulnerable, sometimes abused.
Being
prepared for just how many "buttons" are
going to get pushed is important to keeping the
relationship going strong even during tough times. And
all this happens because of love.
So take love, in all its forms, and embrace it. At
least try. Don't get scared when you first start to
realize that "some of the passion is gone,"
after the first month, or after the first year. Right
around the corner is another kind of love that brings
its own rewards.
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