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Single Guys and Single Girls!   |
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Oh So Snappy Comebacks to:
"Why aren't you married yet?"
- You haven't asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great sex life?
- Nobody would believe me in white.
- Because I just love hearing this question.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
- I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
- Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
- I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn't seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
- My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
- I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
- They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
- I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
- I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo
doll rituals.
- What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal
ads?
- We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
- I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren't you thin?
- I'm married to my career, although recently we have been
considering a trial separation.
- (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a
child would be redundant.
The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.
Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone,
on which the inscription read : HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100
men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and
couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
Let's examine the differences
in how men and women communicate:
Male & Female Interpretations
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The sharing of thoughts & feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone
bad, prior to tossing it out.
WHAT HE REALLY MEANS
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there
is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl
I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your
purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my
chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.
Quotes:
"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd
be married too. "
~H. L. Mencken
"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others. "
~Oscar Wilde
I must admit, the last fight I had with the wife was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
CONFUCIUS SAY
- Passionate kiss like spider web - lead to undoing of fly.
- Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
- When lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she
mean yes. When lady say yes - she no lady!
Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having Cyber Sex on the Computer
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, she always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. She's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants
1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills...
She had 14 kids, but she didn't mind a bit!
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if
you died.
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear"
said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd
remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the
husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Take A Frickin' Shower!
How to Shower like a Woman --
- Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this
morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the
temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in
clothes hamper.
- Walk to bathroom. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way,
cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're
getting fat.
- Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
- Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that
steam.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
- Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
minutes.
- Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
- Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband
has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
- Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
- Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
- Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
- Use nail brush to clean toe nails.
- Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband runs faucet and you
get a rush of cold water.
- Cover your entire body in baby oil.
- Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower
dangerously slippery for boyfriend/ husband.
- Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair
in an uncommon place.
- Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize. Moisturize!
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up
any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man --
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile on the floor.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut
to see if you have pecs.
- Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear.
- Check for pecs again.
- Get in the shower.
- Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
- Wash your face (not compulsory).
- Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
- Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
- Wash your groin area.
- Wash your behind, with your wife's/girlfriend's loofah.
- Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your
throat.
- Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap (no
need for conditioner).
- Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Sample your girlfriend's/wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
- Pee.
- Blow your right nostril.
- Blow your left nostril.
- Rinse off and get out of the shower.
- Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.
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