Personal Ads Decoder
What Personals Really Mean!

Truth in Personals - Personal Ads Decoder

How do you know if you're in love,
in lust, or really married?

FIRST THE WOMEN:

• 40-ish ............... 49
• Adventurer.....Has had more partners than you ever will
• Athletic.......................Flat-chested
• Average looking.......... Ugly
• Beautiful..................... Pathological liar
• Contagious smile......... Bring your penicillin
• Educated ................... College dropout
• Emotionally secure....... Medicated
• Feminist....................... Fat; a ball buster
• Free spirit.................... Substance user
• Friendship First......... Trying to live down a reputation as a slut
• Fun........................... Annoying & Talks A Lot
• Gentle ..................... Comatose
• Good listener ........... Borderline autistic
• New-age ....................Body Piercing &/or Tattoos
• Old-fashioned ........... Lights out, missionary position only
• Open-minded ............. Desperate
• Outgoing.................... Loud
• Passionate.................. Loud
• Poet..................... .....Depressive schizophrenic
• Professional...............Aggressive &/or Overbearing
• Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section
• Reubenesque..............Fat
• Romantic.................. Looks better by candlelight
• Voluptuous............... Grossly Fat
• Weight proportional to height......Watch Out!!
• Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking
• Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death
• Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

• 40-ish...................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
• Athletic................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
• Average looking...Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
• Educated..............Will always treat you like an idiot
• Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister
• Friendship first..... As long as friendship includes touching & nudity.
• Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
• Good looking.........Arrogant
• Honest....................Pathological liar
• Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo
• Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent
• Mature ...................Until you get to know him
• Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
• Physically fit............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
• Poet....................... Has written on a bathroom stall
• Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
• Stable..................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested